KNOCK KNOCK!! No Ones Home!.......i think i need to change my tone.

This particular blog will probably branch off into two seperate topics, they are related but different nonetheless....just a warning before you get started.


Ok, so i'm the type that usually sits and wonders why i haven't found someone to share my time with. I always want to put it off on other people....THEY don't know what they want; THEY are just stupid; THEY are just confused. I have come to realize that i am not as open as i thought i was. It is and always has been me, I am my own problem...my own hinderance. I am so afraid to open up and let someone into my life that I end up shutting the door or closing off an opportunity before i even check it out. Why? I really don't know. Maybe because I have seen this thing called "love" turn some sane people slightly ignorant. I don't know what i am going to have to do to change this. I say that I'm going to try and work on it, but I know it's a lie before it even gets out of my mouth. I do know for sure that if I don't plan on being alone for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to change. Its kinda hard to form a family by yourself.....thats my ultimate goal ya know, to eventually have a loving caring family

*new topic*

so, I can't get this guy off my mind. I try so hard to ignore his existence but it is very hard.....damn near impossible. When i say he is everything I have ever prayed for in a man, trust and believe me and know that i am telling the truth. If i could find my letter I wrote to God around middle school, i'd have good solid proof. From his personality down to his beautiful teeth he is amazing.....and I won't even talk to him. WTF? This is how this lil section above connects to this. I can not open up to save my life. I refuse to tell someone how i feel because I fear rejection. I've been through that before and it took me a while to get over that....it's not good. And this 1st guy ain't even half of what I ever asked for so to be rejected by my very own requested "gift from God" would probably be the end of my self esteem as we know it.....which is not usually that high anyways but lately it's been off the friggin charts. Now to throw some real randomness into this, even thought he is all i ever asked for, he is not the person who always appears in my dreams. Yeah yeah, a dream is a dream so what? Well usually what i dream is only part of what i will actually experience. They tend to foreshadow whats to come....and he is not and has not been a part of my "dream future". I am pretty confused right now.

I have let enough random information flow from my mind today....goodbye.